Spectral Hands Laid Hard Upon Me

Shall I compare the to a summers day...

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Lilith's Ghost
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Spectral Hands Laid Hard Upon Me

Post by Lilith's Ghost » Mon Jul 20, 2020 6:22 am

Spectral Hands Laid Hard Upon Me


a devilish hour
4 am is_______yes, again
as time dissolves
hard pressed memories
pin me down,
snot and tears adorn
Egyptian cotton damask cases
and muffled sobbing______again.

They're back,
the ghosts of my childhood;
penetration training,
swallowing practice
and silence______always silence-
giving way to
teens trials
of gang-bang corporation
while multiple partners
wait in middle age to inflict the same

I do not know
when or where I am
with the night time ripped from me,
robbed of contemplative darkness;
singing with owls
dancing with bats

I can still
not leave my house at night,
watching the moon move
only through glass,
forgetting my place
here and among the heavens;
the stars do not recognize me
nor hold sway
over what's left of me;
I have forgotten their names
and feel shame,
they whisper of no paths home
or back____or astray____just wandering.
they have become guards of my house bound existence
witnesses to memories perversion
and hard pressed visions of men
and what they make of women
who would have given freely what they had to damage
or stolen from a child
what they did not know they had,

it has been too long
in self loathing______regret
and the fear of memories
shoved into my holes
and abandonment
from all directions
while eating fruit cups
but dreaming of orchards.

women should have the freedom to walk
when and where and how they like-
but we have been denied that through the ages
the world is now filled with potential rapists
waiting______even in the full light of day
and more in moon's shadows.
they thirst for that fear
like monsters in the closet
or demons waiting under the bed
and they will not leave
no matter what magick
regardless of chant or rune
or goddesses or gods
both new and old
no casting of spells
or rocks spewed from my hands.
they slip in
between the cracks in everything
stealing that empty space between
every atom and timepiece and joyous moan.

I could met out such grievous cruelty upon them
gashed throat______and dripping
to fill a cauldron and bathe in their blood
cut off their fingers and tongue and pricks
they stuck in me
and gouge out their eyes
which stole my soul

but it is 4 am
now turned to 6
the tears have dried up
but I am filled with rage and guilt.
there is a pipe here somewhere
with mother ganja and her forgiveness
but sleep is lost
until anther day



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scarab280
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Re: Spectral Hands Laid Hard Upon Me

Post by scarab280 » Mon Jul 20, 2020 6:36 am

It took me a long time to feel able to go out at night, alone...sigh...then it became like a dare to myself and a bigger fuck you to the monsters. It did become easier once I knee the first one was dead and cold...
I am too familiar with the 4am onwards torture terror and sadness my friend, I'm sorry you are haunted still, I think 'we' all are, we the huge collective of abused children, adolescents, adults... to at least some extant, sadly some of us, more than others...

As an aside, I am very fond of Egyptian cotton sheets myself, in fact, I pretty much don't use any others, with the exception of some amazing Portuguese silk cotton mix sets, that I bought while 'on special', still costing a small fortune lolz...

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Lilith's Ghost
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Re: Spectral Hands Laid Hard Upon Me

Post by Lilith's Ghost » Tue Jul 21, 2020 2:14 am

Hi, girlfriend. We haven't exchanged letters in awhile. I've missed it. It has been awhile since I had bad dreams like that. they come and go. each feeling fresh and dangerous and hurts like the first time. I know It will never end. Maybe if I had had someone o speak with as a child of teen but I did not. These days everything's a trigger what with rape being a subplot in nearly every movie made... I did try, after a few years driving around but never getting out of my car and would get fast food to take home was always to nauseous I couldn't eat it so I stopped doing it. oh, well. I've probably said as much earlier after writing similar stuff. I used to think it therapeutic but I don't think it is anymore. writing about it is just as triggering and it feels fresh all over again, but I still do it and I still don't leave the house at night. sigh I hope you are doing well. I guess covid 19 has put the kibosh on your travel plans. I had wanted to see the ocean again but know it's unwise and I'm not sure what to do about the night thing. thanks for your encouragement, I needed that. sigh I think it a lie that anyone recovers- that's a tale therapists tell to make themselves feel better and lying to their clients, like calling people heroes- it only makes the person say it feel better about themselves and helps nothing

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Re: Spectral Hands Laid Hard Upon Me

Post by eponymousbosch?^ » Tue Jul 21, 2020 2:24 pm

I open the door each morning and enter the world of an opened Hieronymous Bosch tri-glyph.

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Lilith's Ghost
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Re: Spectral Hands Laid Hard Upon Me

Post by Lilith's Ghost » Tue Jul 21, 2020 7:00 pm

Hello and thanks for the comment. I have an oversized poster of the Garden of Earthly Delights behind me as a reminder that we are bound by symbols winch come true for the want of a limited world view forced upon us since the word 'catholic' meant liberal, lol

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to." ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

I have ended up in alleys on my back and knees too often. It's my favorite Hobbit quote. I used to be heavily armed, imagine a girl in sundresses with guns and knives until I realized that defending myself with them is usually not acceptable; a little more now but mainly for old white men killing Black teens for playing their music too loud or wearing hoodies. I did finally disarm because I knew I was going to kill someone. Since that decision I've been attacked twice at night. I also quit wearing pencil skirts, ha

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